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everyone say’s they are there for you. but when your falling apart what can help? what can stop the pain? most people know small pain but it seems im one of the only people that knows huge pain i haven’t told many people this but i grew up with a hard childhood i was forced to grow up more than i should have. now im sitting here not knowing how to stop this constant pain called life. i put on a smile to make others happy but truly i am not me never have been me.the real me cry’s the real me will hide every bit of myself scared to get near anyone! over the summer i met a girl…. we fell quick and full happy, then we did some shit i am not glad about we had sex once then we didn’t stop :/ i know you guys are saying ” not liking sex tf!?” trust me i loved every min of it but  a month later i found out she was pregnant. i was excited! beyond scared  i was happy i felt calmed that i was going to be the one to protect that beautiful little thing from the world. but then something bad happened a few weeks after she took the test…….she called me one night crying she told me she was in so much pain and blood came out. :’( she had a miscarriage  my life shattered that night! so when people say they know pain you don’t  you don’t know pain until a life is ripped away from you! something that you would of given your life for! it was my chance to turn my life around to make something of myself.i know pain i know hurt i know how to feels to hit rock bottom  i know how it feels to try to end pain with alcohol weed pills… it only helps for a sec  then sober i sit here a cry wondering if i died if anyone would care. i look in the mirror horrified with what i see. im no logger human i have no feelings except for pain and anger

once again goin forever alone i mean i work on myself make myself smarter more swagg better clothes better looks better voice more sweet less of a dick and still single!? tf am i just not ment to be happy i dont want a hoe to fuck around with or a bitch to break my heart i want to be happy! i want love not sorrow is that to much to ask for?

all of these years of putting up with bullshit drama and pain has brought me this heaven sure it took long but i finally found happiness and finally grew up!

(via jimhalpert)

its been a month since you moved out yet it feels like years :( you were like a best friend. no scratch that a brother! i loved you! i woulda saved your ass any time you needed me we did everything togeather! then one day you decided you were moving out i was depressed,hurt,full of sorrow cause within a 7 months time you found a spot closer in my heart more than the ones in my family you understood how i was how i felt how i grew up! and now weeks maybe a month later you try to get in touch when all i could do for that time i go out fuck girls drink and smoke just to find some kind of betterness in me?! does that make me a bad person? the other day to girls tryed to get me to mess around in class but i didnt cause i knew one day i hope ill make a difference in this world even if that means giving my life for another ill do it i mean i risked my life already many times and just a few weeks ago saved two peoples lives what did i get out of it three hours of nursing them back to health then disapering so to all of you that go over seas to save people and stand for our country you are heros and youll get front page or people will look up to you but me ill eventually fade into darkness one day those people i have saved will say to their kids a boy not even a man saved my life saved your mom from fading… but i guess this whole thing is about how i might be strong for others but inside im dieing more and more everyday slowly i lose myself more and more deeper i fall into the hole until i wont be able to stand to see myself in the mirror but will anyone ever see it on my face that i sort of wish for death? no cause ill do everything in my power to make everyone else happy before me is that bad of me or just smart or stupid im so confused wish i would just have it all figured out :(?

most guys wouldnt care at all if a girl just wanted to fuck around with him. but me it fucking hurts! i loved that girl just to find out i was just a soon to be fuck buddie! i have to go through life doin drugs drinkin  fighting just to feel better about myself! this life i have now it started as just a look then the more i dressed and started to act the more this life came to me now look at me i have to carry a knife with me to feel safe this world is so fucked up what happend to love, honnor, pride!? when did it become cool to hurt ones who loved you!? i am just so lost.?

18 years ive been born ive almost died more than 8 times i went through abusive parents and getting jumped gotten my ass beat but im still here 18 years later im the person i wish when i was younger i would be! yea i smoke weed and cigs sure i drink but fuck all yall who said that i would die before id even make it!. i am an adult now i dont give a fuck open your mouths at me ill fucking shoot your mother fuckin brains out no im not violent no im not disturbed but cross me and ill cross you we will see which one falls first!

faced with so many questions so many choices so many people ill wrong if i leave :(

sometimes we all are faced with the same questions. go left go right? go back get hurt run away and be alone? fight or run? cry or stand strong? i guess my point is if your heart speaks for that one person then don’t run</3 but if its not there don’t chase it. some times its meant to be others you just get hurt but i guess we all are always looking for that one love like in movies, where right after a fight you hold her/him and talk about it all. or for girls, a guy sitting outside her window playing their song but i guess there’s a bigger question for the world is it worth it? is it worth chasing? getting crushed? being alone will happen one time or another but are we strong enough? a great man told me one day i wish i could have shown you so many more things than i have but my age im not going to be around for much longer :( it took me a while to realize but when i look at the stars i think of him those breezy nights we would sit there and he’d tell me stories about his childhood and me being a baby what he will think of me when im older, his dreams of the man id become…… every night wed talk not much of a worrie in my mind until i got older started seeing him less i guess the reason why im making this post is even in times where you seem like your alone you always have someone there my grandpa is my hero i saw him maybe a month ago we talked like we used to and when i left that night after helping him to bed i cryed </3 i felt like it would be the last time i would see him but i know it wont be i know that he is always in my heart. i have no fear that he’d be ashamed of me i wont let him down i swear one day ill make him so proud of the man ill become that up where he’ll be he will look down and say im proud of you! cause my grandpa said that he has always been a father for me and a grandfather and no one can replace how he is in my heart so never loose hope someone always loves every single person. all you got to do is look through their eyes try mine sometime 

nightmares are coming back tonight i woke up sweating horribly couldnt breath… memories that haunt :(